Forgive Me Not Read online

  They sat down on the bench. Complimented each other on their healthy appearance. Emma asked how he’d managed to track her down, given that he’d thrown away her address. Joe smiled. Said that Foxglove Farm, Broadgrass Hill, Healdbury wasn’t exactly difficult to remember. He was staying at the Badger Inn, having finished work early. He lived in Blackpool now and was an assistant manager in one of the arcades.

  ‘That’s where Stig comes from,’ said Emma. ‘Sounds like you’re doing well.’

  ‘Management like my ability to deal with troublemakers. I never realised living on the streets would improve my CV.’ He gave a wry smile. ‘How come Stig’s here?’

  ‘Long story – rough sleepers have been moved out of the city. What made you think I’d come home? It was a bit of a gamble.’

  ‘I figured that if you weren’t here, your family might have had news.’

  She asked about his own family. Now and again he contemplated contacting them, he said. That was a start.

  ‘So why did you come to find me? I thought—’

  ‘I think I get to ask the questions first.’ His eyes fell to her stomach.

  So Emma told him. She explained how she’d never got to use his tampons.

  ‘And what did you do?’ asked Joe ‘Did you have the baby? Am I… Can I meet…?’

  She had to turn away, unable to bear the note of excitement in his voice. He’d talked to her once about how difficult it had been for him to accept that he’d probably never have kids.

  ‘Oh. Did… didn’t you go through with the pregnancy? I mean…’ his voice faltered, ‘I wouldn’t blame you. Of course I wouldn’t. I understand. You and I had enough trouble looking after ourselves.’

  Emma’s vision blurred for a second. She explained what had happened. Gently Joe took her chin and moved her head to face him.

  ‘The miscarriage was early, but I just got this feeling… I named her Josephine – after you.’

  ‘I’m sorry I wasn’t with you.’

  ‘I wanted her so much,’ she gulped.

  ‘And you’d have been the best mum ever.’

  ‘I hope so,’ she said in a muffled voice. ‘You know, the pregnancy prompted me to get treatment.’

  They talked about rehab. Joe had finally got a detox in London and a case worker who understood him.

  ‘What happened with you, Ems… it was a complete mind-fuck and made me realise I had to turn things around.’

  ‘Honoured to be your rock bottom.’

  ‘You get it, right?’

  ‘Yes. Yes, I do. And you’re near the top of my list of people to say sorry to. Even though for months I felt confused. For me… what we did felt right.’

  ‘We were both off our heads. I cried afterwards, Emma. How could anything about that make you think it was meant to be? That I was happy with it?’

  ‘I wasn’t thinking about you. That’s the whole point. I was selfish. I told myself I was capable of changing you.’ Her heart pounded. ‘I’m not proud.’

  ‘You’d thought it through that much? I assumed you were just pissed.’ He leant back.

  ‘I was. The drink convinced me of ridiculous possibilities – told me things could be different. But that drunk Emma isn’t around any more – she was an arrogant fantasist. Remember Big John, who insisted he was related to Bruno Mars?’

  A muscle flickered in his cheek.

  ‘Well, you were my Bruno. It was fiction, but what I thought we had – or could have had – kept me going.’

  ‘It felt like such a betrayal. You knew I’d only just accepted that my years of saying I was bisexual were a lie. You knew how confused I’d been – how that… that fight for identity helped turn me to drugs. And then when I finally accepted I was gay, you wouldn’t. You were supposed to be my friend.’

  Her cheeks reddened.

  ‘I’m gay, Emma.’

  ‘I know.’

  ‘Do you? I like men. One hundred per cent. Have you really accepted that?’

  She put her hand on her heart. ‘I promise. Yes. Everything’s so clear now. But when you used to talk about the relationship you had with that woman called Kelly, I… I thought that perhaps there was a chance for us.’

  ‘I told you that was a mistake, me kidding myself I could take the more easily accepted road of getting married, having kids… But you thought you knew better.’ His top lip curled with disgust.

  Emma tried to explain that becoming homeless had made her feel as though she’d been stranded on an island, with no means of getting back out to sea. But then Joe had sailed in, like a lifeboat. All she’d really wanted was cuddles – that close human contact and comfort, on the most basic level – but her feelings had got out of hand. She’d started to imagine that the two of them could create their own perfect family.

  ‘Christ, so you even completed the heterosexual package by getting pregnant.’ He stood up and paced around. ‘Did you have it all planned?’

  His words punched the air out of her lungs and she gasped, jumping to her feet. She strode over to him, fists curled.

  ‘Shit. Look, ignore me, Ems, I’m a dick and just in shock about the baby. I should never—’

  ‘You think I got pregnant on purpose? It’s not all my fault. How dare you take the moral high ground? I admit my part in it, but sometimes you kissed me first, and the sex… it wasn’t all one-way. I couldn’t have done it on my own. And you should have said something.’ She pointed her finger at him. ‘You ended up hurting me anyway. You used my friendship for your own ends and then just ditched me like everyone else.’

  ‘No, Emma—’

  ‘You think I tried to trap you? That the pregnancy was simply some sort of tactic?’ She wouldn’t have him talk about Josephine like that.

  ‘I think it’s time you left,’ boomed a voice. Bligh appeared from the shadows.

  ‘This is between me and Emma,’ snapped Joe.

  ‘Now!’

  Chest heaving, Emma collapsed onto the bench. She bent her head and wiped her cheeks. When she looked up, Joe had gone and Bligh was sitting by her side. He waited until her shoulders stopped jerking and then draped his arm around her.

  Emma groaned. ‘I handled that badly. All the mental tools I’ve gained over the last year… where did they go?’

  ‘I didn’t like his tone, whatever was wrong. He had no right to speak to you like that.’

  ‘I’ll find him tomorrow. Talk properly. He’s staying with Polly and Alan. He’s just upset.’ She closed her eyes tight for a second. ‘How’s Andrea?’

  ‘I’m not sure. She didn’t say much.’

  Emma made her excuses to leave. She needed to clear her head. Bligh offered to drive her home, but she chose to walk instead. Stig was still inside with Andrea, and right now, Emma couldn’t face her sister.

  As she walked down Broadgrass Hill, she looked at the village ahead. Lights began to come on in the houses. As she passed the butcher’s, barbecue smoke filled the air. She heard laughter and the clink of glasses. She wiped the back of her neck, which was sweaty from the summer air. With swollen eyes she stumbled into the pet shop. Phil was still up, at the kitchen table.

  He pushed a piece of paper towards her. ‘So, what do you think?’ he said without looking up. ‘Rubbish, isn’t it?’

  It was an advert for him to look after pets during the holidays.

  ‘I like the way you’ve listed the rates in bold letters. It would put me off if I had to ask someone I knew what their prices were – I’d then feel kind of obliged. And the sketch of that dog is great.’

  ‘You’re not taking the piss?’

  ‘No. Promise.’ She tore off a square of kitchen roll. ‘Let me know if you need a hand asking shopkeepers to pin them up in their windows.’ She blew her nose.

  Phil looked up. ‘What’s wrong? Hay fever? Or aren’t you as tough as you like us all to think?’

  She slumped at the table. Leant on her elbows. Rested her chin on her fists.

  ‘The old Emma came ou
t to play tonight. Even though she wasn’t drinking, it wasn’t a pretty sight.’

  He paused. ‘Ginger biscuit?’

  Her chin quivered and all she could do was nod.

  He stood up, switched on the kettle and passed her the tin.

  Chapter 20

  Emma overslept the next morning. Did Joe really think she’d tried to trap him? Why was Bligh so upset? Would Andrea have preferred to have known about the pregnancy at the time?

  Determined to catch Joe, she skipped her morning routines, pulling on a pair of shorts and an old T-shirt from the day before. Without even brushing her hair, she rushed out of the pet shop. Stig was sitting on the pavement reading.

  He looked up. ‘You okay?’

  ‘I’ve been better.’ She sighed and knelt down. ‘But what about your eye?’

  ‘My whole face was numb by the time Andrea let me remove the bag of peas. She said I could sleep over in the barn, but…’

  ‘You should have. The Duchess would have loved that.’

  He stared at the page. Gently she nudged his shoulder and he looked up.

  ‘I guess I’m not used to people being nice. It doesn’t feel right, accepting her hospitality. I mean, I could be anyone. She should be more careful.’

  ‘And the very fact that you think that proves that you’re worthy of a bed for the night. She’s not exactly offering you a room at the Ritz.’

  They both smiled.

  ‘Speak later, yes? I’ve got to hurry. I want to catch Joe at the Badger Inn.’ Emma stood up and smoothed down her hair.

  ‘I saw Bligh leaving there earlier this morning when me and my girl went for a walk. I was going to say hello but sensed he needed a bit of space.’

  Emma’s brow knotted.

  ‘He pounded his fist into the palm of his other hand before getting in his car and speeding up Broadgrass Hill.’

  Emma headed off to the pub. She pushed the door open and entered. A couple of guests were eating breakfast. Alan was wiping down tables. Polly stood at the coffee machine. Emma hesitated before approaching the bar. The room smelt of fried bacon and detergent.

  Alan walked over and Polly turned her head to stare.

  ‘Sorry for barging in, but a friend of mine is staying here… he’s called Joe. Bligh might have visited him this morning.’

  ‘The young man with the bruised face?’ Alan shook his head.

  ‘Is he still here?’

  ‘I’m afraid you’ve just missed him,’ said Polly. ‘He left about twenty minutes ago, muttering something about a train.’

  Emma exited the pub and broke into a jog down the high street and up towards the station. A couple of people who’d ignored her before the cheese shop fire smiled. Emma squinted in the sunshine as she left the narrow nettle-lined path that led to the station’s approach. Heart thumping, she reached the pavement to the right of the huge automatic glass doors.

  ‘Joe?’ she said, out of breath. Thank God. He was sitting with a couple who’d recently turned up to her soup run. ‘Can we talk?’

  ‘I think Bligh’s done your talking for you.’

  ‘What did he say?’

  ‘Said to leave Healdbury, that there was nothing here for me; said that you didn’t need a man in your life right now – especially one who’d walk out on his own child.’

  ‘What?’ Bligh was still trying to be her fixer?

  ‘He made it sound as if you really hated me…’ His eyes shone, revealing shades of the old, vulnerable Joe.

  ‘Of course I don’t. Look, we need to chat.’

  Joe stood and picked up his rucksack. Cautiously, Emma linked arms. He didn’t pull away. She led him back to the narrow path that ran through a small grassy area. His rucksack slipped off and they sat down opposite each other, holding hands.

  ‘Me first,’ said Joe. ‘I’m really sorry for what I said about you purposely getting pregnant. You know I’d never think that. I was just reeling from the news that I’d become a dad without even knowing it – and then hadn’t.’

  ‘And I shouldn’t have lost my temper. The trouble is, now and then the miscarriage still feels raw. I had so many plans, you see.’ Emma swallowed. ‘The birth was going to be my new beginning and I felt so angry for her.’ She rubbed her thumbs over his palms.

  His head dropped for a moment and then he looked up. ‘You were right, you know. It did take two. I shouldn’t have blamed you, and I realised that during recovery, but seeing you yesterday brought everything back. I think we were just coming at our friendship from different angles. When we met, I was such a mess. You were a bit older, kind… it felt good to feel someone was looking out for me. We had so much in common. I felt a connection.’

  ‘Whereas me, I saw a sweet-natured, pretty hot guy and my ego decided I could change your sexuality. Well, not even that – it just decided I could make you not care about it.’ She let go of his hands and pulled at a sphere of clover. ‘All your life you’d had people not accept you for who you were, and I was no better. But I’ve changed, Joe. Gained perspective. Everything’s clearer. It’s obvious to me now that you are – and always were – gay. The signs were there, but I ignored them. One thing I don’t understand, though… why didn’t you stop… you know… what happened that night, before things went too far? I honestly thought you’d enjoyed it, until I heard you crying afterwards. I’d have stopped straight away if I’d known it didn’t feel right for you.’

  ‘I… I know.’

  ‘Now I can appreciate how much that night must have devastated you. But at the time, I just drank more and told myself you were simply having a bad day.’

  ‘I was out of it. It all felt blurred, as if my body was on automatic. It was only when I came off that high that I realised we’d actually…’

  ‘Please forgive me, Joe. I’m so sorry.’

  ‘Only if you forgive me too.’

  They both leant forward and hugged. For once, Emma broke contact first.

  ‘Look at us,’ she said, ‘letting go of resentments. Our case workers would be proud.’

  Joe swatted away a fly. ‘So… I’m pretty hot, am I?’

  ‘Remember, I used to have a crush on Piers Morgan, so some might say my hotness radar is off.’

  He smiled, just a little.

  ‘I’ve missed this, Joe – especially a few weeks into rehab, when I realised I’d never really been in love with you. It was all the illness. I knew that I’d ruined a special friendship. I was so angry with myself.’

  ‘Don’t relive it. We’re in each other’s lives again. That’s all that matters.’

  ‘And I’m here for you, Joe. Any time you need help, I’ve got your back. Promise.’

  ‘Ditto.’

  ‘Will you stay around for a while?’

  ‘I’m visiting friends in Manchester tomorrow – perhaps we could meet up for a coffee during the day, if you’ve got the time. And there’s this old movie being shown at the Printworks…’

  They walked back into the village, bought sandwiches and went to Healdbury stream with Stig and the Duchess. Stig had been chatting to Ted, who’d accepted a quote for the shop to be repaired and wanted to learn from his expertise on interior decorating. Despite her advancing years, the dog retrieved sticks from the stream with gusto. She showered everyone when she shook herself dry, like a spinning brush in an automatic car wash – just like Dash used to. Emma felt happier than she had done in ages.

  It felt grown up, saying sorry, accepting apologies, talking things through and reaching an understanding – being able to promise things you knew you would stick to. She felt more… solid, in a way she never had in the old days.

  She could hardly believe it. Joe had forgiven her. Knowing that gave her the strength to head back to the farm. She went around to the back door and entered the kitchen. Andrea was washing strawberries.

  ‘Where’s Mum?’

  ‘Taking a nap.’

  Emma joined Andrea at the sink.

  Andrea shook her head and t
ook a sip from her mug of tea. ‘I’m fine on my own. In fact, after last night I could do with some space.’

  ‘I’m sorry for all the upset. I didn’t know Joe was coming.’

  ‘You think that’s what I’m upset about? A couple of grown men acting like teenagers?’

  ‘No… of course not. Look, the miscarriage – it happened at the end of my detox.’

  Andrea stopped washing up and turned to face her. ‘You didn’t think to tell me when you found out you were pregnant? You didn’t think I’d help?’ she said in a flat voice.

  ‘It was difficult.’

  ‘You think me that bad a sister? I’ve been going over and over it in my mind. You really think that despite everything, I wouldn’t have been there for you and my niece or nephew?’

  ‘Of course I didn’t think that, but—’

  Andrea picked up a tea towel. ‘This was a baby. Family.’ Her voice trembled. ‘Did you tell me about it in that letter?’

  ‘No.’

  ‘Why not?’

  ‘I thought it would be shocking enough to hear from me after so long, let alone with the addition of that bombshell. And in a way… what was the point? The pregnancy was over.’

  The towel missed the kitchen unit and landed on the floor as Andrea let it fall. She turned to go, but Emma held her arm. Andrea shook off her hand. ‘You think you’re the only one who’s carried any guilt through all of this?’

  ‘I used to think that,’ Emma said, cheeks flaming. ‘But then Bligh told me he felt he was to blame. Please don’t tell me you felt like that as well. No one is responsible for my mess-ups apart from me.’

  ‘Easy to say. You’re not the one lying in bed at night asking yourself again and again whether it was something you did. I’m your big sister, for God’s sake – have you any idea how it felt watching helplessly as you threw your life away? Was I too intolerant? Or should I have thrown you out earlier? Was it my fault we grew apart? Was I to blame for introducing you to alcohol when we used to drink cocktails in my room? Was it to do with your father? Was it somehow my fault he never hung around?’ She leant against the sink for a moment. Eventually her shoulders sank. ‘I’m going to check on Mum.’